5.19.2009

Ketchup - A Brief History of The World's Greatest Asset


Ketchup is possibly the greatest invention of modern, pre-modern, and post-modern times. The lovely red pasty stuff that you squirt on your burger and fries has been at the forefront of the advance of modern civilization and general morality, but chances are that you are not aware of it! For shame! But have no fear; for this article will follow the history of the condiment known as ketchup and use brilliant anecdotal evidence to prove how ketchup is the source of everything good in the modern universe. Read on, soon-to-be ketchup lover!


Pre-Early 1600 - Ketchup is only known in China. It is unsurprising, therefore, that up until this time there has been war, strife, feudalism, the Crusades, the Inquisition, Cortez committing genocide in Mexico, and many other atrocities in Europe and the New World.

Early 1600s - The Dutch bring back ketchup from China, resulting the the financial success of the Dutch East India Company. Unsurprisingly, in China, the Ming Dynasty that has been dominant since the 1300s fails in the next forty years, eventually ending in 1644. They should not have shared their ketchup.

1700s - It takes a while for Europe to get into the swing of things, but soon the Enlightenment period begins, thanks to the effects of ketchup in increasing human mental capacity.

1727 - Britain has ketchup, and the first recipe for ketchup is printed in Britain. The Spanish want the recipe, but Britain won’t give it to them, so they war for it, sparking the Anglo-Spanish War. Nobody wins, the status quo is unaffected, and Spain goes home without ketchup. British minister John Wesley invents Methodism in celebration. Ketchup actually goes on to fuel much of England’s dominance in the next fifty years or so.

1801 - Benedict Arnold, the American traitor, dies, and the first recipe for ketchup is printed in America. This is not a coincidence. While Britain and France were warring it out in Europe (Britain was mad that the Americans stole their ketchup, and Napoleon was mad because he wasn’t British), America is a budding new country full of promise and smart people like Thomas Jefferson, who came into presidential office that year.

1812 - A better recipe for ketchup was published in America, causing the British, still sore, to try and war against America. America, fortified in large part by ketchup jars passed out in their troops’ rations, beats the Brits back.

1830 - Ketchup starts being sold in bottles, and Emily Dickinson is born. She goes on to write many poems praising the many benefits of ketchup, but these are collected in a tome that has yet to be discovered.

1837 - A man named Jonas Yerkes, a Michigonian, starts selling ketchup in quart and pint-sized bottles. The bigwigs in Washington DC are totally impressed, and unanimously vote to let Michigan become the 26th state of the Union. They need some way to tell Michigan this, so they commission a Mr. Samuel B. Morse to do something about it. The telegraph is invented. Michigan needs a commercial hub out of which to ship their ketchup, so they decide to create a sleepy little township nearby, call it Chicago, and ship ketchup from there.

1848 - Unscrupulous bachelor ketchup bottlers in Wisconsin start adding coal tar to heighten the redness of their ketchup. This results in about 5,000 deaths in New York City. Legislators reprimand Wisconsin, which has yet to achieve statehood, and demand that they stop. Wisconsin agrees and turns their efforts to cheese-crafting, which so impresses lawmakers that they make Wisconsin the 30th US state. All is forgiven and the 5,000 avoidable deaths in NYC are blamed on “rampant and uncontrollable cholera.”

1876 - It’s a big year for ketchup. John’s Hopkins University is created to (indirectly) help sick people. A man named Alexander Graham Bell wants to tell his friend HJ Heinz about this, and devises the telephone. Heinz receives his telephone in the mail, and the two talk for hours on end about how they can help sick people for less money than it takes to found a fancy-schmancy university. Heinz decides that his new recipe for ketchup will make a world of difference, and launches Heinz Ketchup Co. to (directly) make people healthier. Also around this time, General George Armstrong Custer tries to make friends with nearby Indians in Montana but forgets to bring ketchup along. The Indians, incensed at his unbelievable lack of foresight, slaughter him and his group of friends.

1877-1981 - Ketchup starts being taken for granted and drops out of the public eye. Enter WWI, WWII, the Holocaust, and the Vietnam War.

1981 - Ronald Reagan, an actor/president, signs social reform legislation that results in severe problems for homeless people. He also introduces the “trickle-down effect”, which has yet to actually work in real life. Directly related to this is his mistaken idea that ketchup is vegetable suitable for school lunches. Ketchup is clearly a condiment, and an avid supporter of ketchup takes a few potshots at Ronald. Reagan emerges a national hero as the first president to survive an “assassination” attempt.

1992 - After an extended hiatus, A Prairie Home Companion returns to the American airwaves. Its Catchup Advisory Board short skits promote the myriad benefits of ketchup, and the show prospers.

October, 2000 - Heinz introduces ketchup in a variety of fun, colorful flavors. They also make contributions to George W Bush’s political campaign. In the years following, 9/11 happens, the Iraq War commences, and Dem. John Kerry does not become president. Heinz ends the colors in 2006, and two years later Barack Obama is elected the first black president of the United States. Progress!, and proof that ketchup needs to stay red.


Man, if that doesn’t prove how great ketchup is, I don’t know what does. If fact, if you still don’t believe that ketchup is awesome, I think you need to scroll up and read the timeline again. Ketchup is so awesome that I buy it in bulk. If the local Restaurant Depot ever has too much ketchup it’s because “that guy didn’t come in this week”. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go grocery shopping for things to eat with my ketchup.




Dann writes out of his home in Minnesota and owns every color of ketchup, but only for collector’s value.





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